Never to Fart

Mastermind Weekend 1/16

Hey there!

I'm Tina

I’m the owner of Carrots ‘N’ Cake as well as a Certified Nutrition Coach and Functional Diagnostic Nutrition Practitioner (FDN-P). I use macros and functional nutrition to help women find balance within their diets while achieving their body composition goals.


An in-depth, 4-week reverse dieting course for women who feel like their metabolism has slowed down, think they might have hormonal imbalance and can’t lose weight no matter what they do.

Hello! Happy FRIDAY!


When dinnertime rolled around last night, I wasn’t really hungry, so I snacked on some random eats throughout the night. I started with some Pretzel Crisps with Rotel Dip (recipe coming soon!) and then decided that I wanted a beer. A little while later, I ate some cheese and then a bunch of butterscotch chips. I guess all together it made a meal, right? Not a terribly healthy one, but I ate plenty of nutritious foods during the day. It all evens out.


After dinner, Mal and I enjoyed a mini New Girl marathon.


When this show first debuted, I wasn’t really a fan of it. It was kind of cute, but sort of lame at the same time. But, I recently caught a few episodes on TV and found myself cracking up at many of the one-liners, especially from the male characters on the show, so I gave it another chance. I have to admit, it’s gotten a lot better, and I’m often laughing out loud while I’m watching it. The humor is sarcastic, witty, silly, and a little crude, so Mal likes it too.


Mal also enjoys New Girl because Zooey Deschanel’s character (Jess) reminds him of me. She’s goofy and (painfully) awkward like me, so it cracks him up. I swear, at least once an episode, Mal says to me: “You’d totally do that.” Obviously, most of the stuff Jess says and does is over-the-top and ridiculous, but I’m not far behind with the weird and embarrassing stuff I do.


Here’s a perfect example: the “Never to Fart” story. It’s a good one. I actually can’t believe I’ve never told it on CNC before.

Back when Mal and I were engaged, we were invited to a fancy wedding band event at Long’s Jewelers. It’s an annual event where you can chat with designers and manufacturers, get your questions answered, and, basically, pick out (or design) your perfect wedding ring. Mal bought my engagement ring from Long’s, so we planned to get our wedding bands from there too.

When Mal and I arrived at the event, we were each greeted with a glass of champagne and then whisked away by a sales representative to look at rings. Both of us had an idea what we wanted for our wedding bands, so it didn’t take us long to pick our rings. Once we decided, the salesman asked us if we wanted to engrave something on the inside of our wedding bands. Without an ounce of hesitation, I blurted out: “never to fart” and then started cracking up like a total goon.

I still don’t know what came over me at this moment (I guess License to Wed made a real impression on me), but I felt like such a tool when I realized how lame my joke was. The salesman gave me a half smile and my poor fiancé just stared at me in shock and then quickly changed the subject. Mal still mentions his secondhand embarrassment from this experience and, of course, still makes fun of me for it. I actually don’t think he’ll ever let me forget it.

Question of the Day

Have you ever had a “never to fart” moment where you blurt out something totally ridiculous and embarrassing? What happened?



  1. God, I wish I could tell you every awkward thing I’ve said, but it’s happened so many times I can’t even keep track. Like you, I have a tendency to blurt out things that seem funny in my head and then just sound ridiculous when I actually say them. AWKWARD.

  2. I literally laughed out loud over your Never to Fart story!! I have down plenty of things like that, and also I’ve put my foot in my mouth way too many times!! Did ya’ll end up engraving anything inside the rings? I’ve always loved that idea.

    I was the same way with the New Girl, and I find it crazy that guys enjoy it. I now really like it though–my favorite line has been “My checks got baby farm animals on them”¦..bitch” I feel like I can relate to her a little too just because she is such a dork and not very “grown”. lol!

  3. Haha I can’t remember a specific story but I’m that really quiet person who will randomly blurt out funny things completely unexpectedly. If only people knew what I was thinking all the time, I only blurt out about 10% of my funny thoughts…

  4. Okay, that’s just hilarious. How could the salesperson not laugh. I don’t care how highbrow you are, we ALL toot!

    Man I’m gonna have to think on that one. I think I just have a habit of saying stupid stuff when I’m excited to be around someone and have a story to tell or think I can relate to something they said and it always sounds way better in my head than it does coming outta my face!

  5. So I am in a run-down hotel in rural Uganda, eating dinner with some coworkers. We’re talking about how ridiculously expensive it is to have your clothes washed at the hotel (probably because our clothes were especially smelly, and because they have to wash them by hand”¦), and running down the list of charge per item. Shirt- 10,000 Ugandan shillings (about US $4), Pants- 15,000 shillings (US $6), underwear- 7,000 shillings ($2.50). “$2.50 to wash a pair of underwear?!” I complain to my boss and colleagues. I’m outraged. “Not fair! My underwear aren’t even that big!”
    Does that cross the line of professionalism?
    I would say so.

  6. I think that is hilarious. My husband would have died laughing and we probably would have to leave. Although I would say he is probably the one more likely to say something like that.

  7. I love that show! I keep thinking about the episode before last when they were at Fancyman’s house and Nick said “He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.” I don’t know what it is about that line, but it just makes me laugh and laugh every time I think about it.

    And I actually think the Never to Fart would be wise to have engraved, because all of us that are married know how quickly they forget that!

    1. I always thought the show was just average, but that episode was totally hilarious..Nick was the best part. At the end when Jess fell into the fountain and he was trying to rush to save her but fold the sweater at the same time I almost died laughing.

  8. Need to start watching New Girl clearly! I couldn’t decide what I wanted for dinner last night, something in the air, in the end I went with a big butternut squash, pecan and banana protein smoothie bowl which went down a treat!

  9. There are sooo many out of place and inappropriate things I’ve said but this one was probably the best. I was sitting at custard shop with 2 friends (1 guy, 1 girl). I had my friend and I had finished our ice cream and were waiting on our guy friend to finish his before we left. He started saying he was too full to finish and I randomly blurt out “be a man, it it out!”. Not even thinking twice about what I had said both my friends look up at me and start laughing. It takes me a little bit before I realize what I actually said…whoops! Total TWSS moment! 🙂

  10. I am laughing so hard at this…. Totally reminds me of something I’d do. I tend to tell stories that are really awkward and completely get diarrhea of the mouth. I have a problem holding things back… Especially after a glass or two of wine!

  11. New Girl definitely grew on me as well. One Friday night I was bored (lameness alert) and decided to stay in and watch all the episodes. The characters grew on me and I can’t help but crack up at the cheesy jokes and one-liners! By the way, the newest episode is hilarious!!

  12. that was hilarious.

    i constantly say stupid jokes. I am a recruiter and I talk to candidates all day. I makes jokes a lot, and the worst is when I laugh, but no one on the other end of the phone does. So then it’s weird, but I keep going so whatever.

  13. I was kind of “eh” about New Girl too and than randomly caught the most recent episode and was laughing the whole time, so I gave it a second chance too. Definitely one of the funniest shows currently on TV right now. Which reminds me, I need to start watching 30 Rock…

    And I have too many of those moments.

    The best was when I was driving and I ran a stop sign. My friend Sarah said to me, “Hey, Amanda did you see that stop sign?”

    I replied, “No, why what did it say?”


  14. I’m totally the girl who at times has no filter between brain and mouth… and I’m loud! lol. This has made for some embarrassing moments. …too many to count/ remember. If I’ve had a glass of wine, this tends to happen more often. ;0)

    My husband and I are pretty goofy, especially when together after a glass of wine. I think that’s one of the things that makes for a good marriage. So important to be able to make each other laugh. We totally crack each other up. Sometimes We’ll be the only ones laughing at each other’s lame-ish/ childish jokes and that will make us laugh even harder… …and the rest of the group just stares and shakes their heads. (Ex: we’ve named our suv “the cavickit” – looooong story short, I called it “the cabio” (aka the horse) and it has transformed into “the cavickit” which we say in a sing song voice to the theme of the love boat – SO WEIRD, right? lol lol)

  15. hahahahaha i’m literally laughing out loud at my desk at work. i make lame jokes all the time and then end up being the only one laughing. great story! 🙂

  16. Hahahahahahha!!!! That’s probably the best awkwardly embarrassing story ever… Made my Friday. 🙂 I share that trait, too, though, so it’s okay!!

  17. We love New Girl in our house 🙂 it is one of the only shows we both love to watch! All of the characters are so funny. Definitely a laugh out loud kind of show.

  18. Looking forward to the dip recipe, it looks really good. Also, did you ever post the recipe for those nut butter snack things you talked about awhile back? Sorry I don’t remember exactly what you called them, but they looked so good and a lot of people seemed interested in them.
    Thanks for the funny story. It does sound like something ”˜Jess’ would say!

  19. New Girl is AWESOME. Schmidt is by far (true story, i just typed “fart” by accident there) the best character!

    I don’t know that I have a “never to fart” story yet…but that’s a pretty great story!!

  20. Haha love your story, I tend to say off the wall things as well but am having a brain fart at the moment of any (total pun intended).. I’m a fan of The New Girl too! I don’t usually like corny comedies, but I find myself laughing out loud watching that show. I especially love Zooey Deschanel’s goofiness and think she’s so cute!

  21. I’m someone who gets my words jumbled up when speaking. My brain misfires or something and disastrous phrases come out of my mouth. One time when giving a speech on Christianity and gay marriage, I meant to say I’m Catholic, but ended up saying I’m gay… I didn’t realize it until a few moments later when my group members’ faces turned extremely confused lol. Then the class got immediately silent. *crickets* Awkward because my boyfriend was there thinking wth, but I laugh about it now :).

  22. my boyfriend and i love 30 rock, and there’s an episode where the gross hairy crude character of frank is turning into liz lemon because he’s the head writer in her absence. he starts talking like her, dressing like her, etc. tracy jordan sees one of frank’s lemon-esque outbursts, and says “is it just me, or is liz lemon getting hotter?”
    well my boyfriend does sound at a venue, and i was hanging out with him at a Halloween themed show. this guy we both know from local bands throughout the years, we’ll call him joe smith, was playing that night, and had obviously put on a bunch of weight and gotten all sloppy looking. so joe is up on stage, setting up, making some banter into the microphone, wearing a halloween mask. to kind of point out how bad he looks now, that a mask would make him better looking, i go, “is it just me, or is joe smith getting hotter?!” (to my boyfriend mostly, since he’d get the quote reference, but i always end up saying things too loud…)
    lol but it turns out joe was walking by the sound booth at that exact moment – it was in fact his band mate who was up there with the mask on! so yeah, that was embarrassing. he probably thought i was being serious.
    wow, that story took a long time to tell. anyway, i’m getting into new girl as well; we just got hulu! at first i thought it was lame but i just love zooey so much, so i think i’m in. 🙂

  23. We love New Girl… so hilarious!!

    Your story is so funny!! I have one but not sure if it counts since i was 8 —

    At church, after the service, a friend of mine (a boy the same age) and I had been telling jokes back and forth and then his parents said it was for them to go.. well in saying bye to him I said “Don’t forget to fasten your condom!” — quoting from the movie “Father of the Bride” … to make it worse he didn’t understand what I said so he said “what?” and I repeated it again.. a little louder.. my parents couldn’t shut me up quick enough.. they told him “nevermind!!” and sent him on out to his parents.

    All I knew was it was a funny part from a movie… i didn’t know why. lol

  24. I love Butterscotch chips. They’re my weakness!
    And I find any type of fart joke funny, so you’re not alone! Totally funny– not embarrassing, in my expert opinion.

  25. That is hilarious!! What an awesome one-liner!

    I agree about the “New Girl,” at first I thought it was incredibly lame but lately I have been laughing out loud every few minutes.

  26. I love “New Girl”. I just finished watching this week’s episode, and it was one of the better ones. Schmidt’s my favorite 🙂

  27. Hey Tina,
    I know you’re having trouble with your Crohn’s disease, and just to give you a little insight… there are studies that have shown that although diet doesn’t cause the disease directly, it can certainly alleviate stress on the ileum/colon (or where yours is active). The biggest offenders are refined foods, alcohol, and dairy. If you’ve recently had such a brutal flare, and you want to avoid another, maybe Pretzel Crisps with Rotel Dip, beer, cheese, and butterscotch chips might not exactly add to the healing process. I don’t mean this to be rude — instead, I speak from first-hand experience–but I’d assume you want to avoid another flare.

  28. I might top you…. my bosses’ boss asked me to lunch so he could see if I was interested in a promotion which would change the scope of my job function. He took several calls during the lunch so unfortunately my mind was left to wander so I could avoid eavesdropping. I have both allergies and a mild case of acne (at 47 you would think I’d outgrow that…). It occurred to me that right after I get out of the shower, my nose would run so the first thing I did was blow my nose, the second was to apply moisterizer to my face. It was such an “aha” moment for me that as soon as he got off the phone, I asked him if he thought the germs might be the reason for my breakouts. (fyi – we are not in the dermatology business by any stretch of the imagination). Luckily I wasn’t interested in the job at all because I’m pretty sure this straight laced guy was shocked by my lack of decorum!

  29. I LOVE New Girl–it’s my favorite new show on TV! If you like raunchy one-liners, check out Two Broke Girls. It’s also hilarious, hahaha.

  30. I know this is the weirdest thing ever but my husband and I have been married 18 years and to this day have never farted in front of each other.

  31. Tina – So funny to run across this post! We love when customers have fun with their wedding planning. I’m guessing our sales person was just caught off guard – a little comic relief in engagement ring and wedding ring purchasing can be refreshing!

  32. Well get this – I actually did get “Never to Fart” engraved on my husband’s wedding band. 🙂
    We had also watched the movie Licensed to Wed and loved it Рlaughed all the way through. Then one night after a particularly spicy batch of chili my fianc̩ (at the time) had really horrible, kill-you-on-the-spot gas and it eventually forced me out of the room. So from that point on I would tease him that I was going to get that written on his ring when we got married.
    So a week before the wedding I snuck his wedding band back to the jeweler and told them the joke I wanted to do. They thought it was unusual but they went along with it. Then I told all our guests what I had done so everyone except my fiancé was in on the joke.
    Our big day came – it was wonderful, fun, and very relaxed which is perfect for us and the kind of people we know. While it was rich with tradition and special personal moments the whole day was about having a good time. Which brings me to the moment before our meal was to be served when I took over the microphone and called my new husband up to the front of the room. I asked him to take off his ring and read what it said inside. He cracked right up with laughter – he could barely get out the words to read it to our guests. He thought it was the best joke for that day. He laughed, our guests laughed, and it was a classic moment for us.
    To this day I still double check with him to see if he was upset at all with what I wrote and he still chuckles and assures me that it was good. 🙂

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