My Thoughts On How To End the “Mommy Wars”

Mastermind Weekend 1/16

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I'm Tina

I’m the owner of Carrots ‘N’ Cake as well as a Certified Nutrition Coach and Functional Diagnostic Nutrition Practitioner (FDN-P). I use macros and functional nutrition to help women find balance within their diets while achieving their body composition goals.

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This post is sponsored by Similac as part of my Sisterhood of Motherhood partnership. The Sisterhood of Motherhood is an initiative to celebrate all parents in a positive way with no judgment.

The “mommy wars” are a hot topic nowadays! And it’s disappointing that moms feel the need to judge one another, but it happens all too much. Whether it’s comments from family members, conversations with other mothers, or encounters with total strangers, many of us experience these judgments a little more often than we’d like. Even though some are suppose to be well-meaning, others are just plain snarky and mean, which often makes us question ourselves as moms and doesn’t make us feel very good.

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In October, Award-Winning director, Cynthia Wade, will premiere her film, “The #EndMommyWars.” (You can take a sneak peek of the trailer here!) She’s a mom that’s experienced judgement, so making the film was personal for her. The film follows several new moms, who’ve done what’s best for their babies, and, through their stories, Wade hopes to end the mommy wars.

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As part of the #EndMommyWars initiatve, we are encouraging consumers to share their mommy war story via a short, selfie-style video on the Similac Facebook page using the hashtag #EndMommyWars. I made my own video with my thoughts on how to end the mommy wars, and I hope you guys will too!

Questions of the Day

Moms, can you relate? When was a time that you personally experienced the mommy wars? What did you do? 

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14 Comments

  1. My kids are 8 and 5 and I still experience the mommy war thing…My husband and I have always put our kids to bed early and if that meant us missing out on things then so be it…this hasnt always went over well with some of our friends…we have been made fun of it pretty much since our kids were little. I think the main way I have dealt with it is just saying, hey I know my kids….they need sleep to help them grow and if you notice my child isnt falling apart and being a brat because I didnt put them to bed at 10 or 11 like you did yours so…..yeah! lol (I dont really say the brat part I just think it!) No really my husband and I dont say a lot because we don’t feel we need to defend our parenting. Sometimes no response is a response we have learned and it works really well in getting the point across. I have been told I’m a mean mom for not letting my kids drink sugary juice? For limiting their sweets? I just figure I will let those things speak for themselves when my kids get sick less or their teeth are healthier etc.

    1. @Lisa: i think it’s great you know what works for your family. Do you realize your comment is part of the mommy wars? Your reflex was to judge the other party’s parenting. It’s such a natural defensive reaction that many of us don’t realize we are unintentionally contributing to the mommy wars.

  2. I have personally experienced mommy wars with my own mom since my son was born last November…she is my biggest critic. Most of the time I ignore her but every once in awhile I will try and hush her. I was telling her the other day how we will be driving 13 hours with our 11 month old to visit my husbands family. (I’m already stressed out about the drive!) But she proceeds to tell me its not right to keep a child in a car seat for that long. (Of course we would stop for small breaks) and that we shouldn’t go, etc. When I wish she would just be supportive and positive and make suggestions on how to make the drive as smooth as possible.

    Most of the time though I do ignore her. And if any “mommy wars” have occurred with others, (i.e. comments that could be offensive or strong opinions) sometimes I think I don’t even notice, lol.

    p.s. Love your video! Your top looks super comfy! AND your hair looked great!

  3. As a new mom I fully expected to deal with mommy wars but have been lucky to have avoided any so far. I hope we can all understand that everyone is doing what’s best for them, and that’s ok. Supporting one another (moms or not) is what we all need.

  4. I’m not a mom, but I have a lot of facebook friends who are moms, and hoo boy! When they have an opinion, they’ll tell you, and they’ll tell you exactly why you’re wrong. I think the best thing to remember is that people need to find out what works for their own family. My cousin couldn’t breastfeed her daughter because she was on anti-depressants, and her MIL had a conniption about it. Brought my cousin to tears. It wasn’t her fault, and she shouldn’t be treated like she’s not doing her best.

  5. I have had mommy wars with other people who feel like we shouldn’t co-sleep with our son. Also, he is exclusively breast fed, and we have been slowly introducing foods to him (he’s just over seven months). People have opinions on that, too. I am definitely an attachment type parent, but that’s just what it is. I don’t like being told I need to let my son “cry it out”- that will probably never happen =)

  6. Go mama go! loved that video! You should do more V-logs! I felt that way when I started foods with my son as well. We offered eggs & nuts right from the start & I can remember when I would post pictures on fb or chat with other moms they would instantly ask if I chatted with his doctor about those food choices OR they would flat out tell me that wasn’t a good idea! What works for one family doesn’t always work for another!! I think you’re a beautiful Mother & have done a great job with Quinn!

  7. I’ve always viewed Mommy Wars as a result of two things: our insecurities as parents and the belief that others must not be as informed as I am.
    1- People aren’t sure they are making the right choices for their kids, which is natural and normal, and they lash out in a defensive manner to hide those insecurities.
    2- One thing I think people forget is that two people can read the same information, see the same statistics and come to different conclusions. For example, I may decide that an increase of 0.0000005% risk of X is fine for my child and allow them to eat non-organic apples. Someone else may not have the same risk tolerance. (This is an example, please don’t turn it into something else). That’s doesn’t mean one of us is less informed, it means our priorities, value judgments and family situations warrant looking at the information differently.

    By keeping this in mind, I usually have one of two responses when a feel a judgement has been made on my parenting choices. 1- “That’s what works for my family. I think it’s great you’ve made a different decision, good for you.” Or 2- “Please don’t assume I am uninformed. Cosleeping/ breastfeeding/ staying at home/ working just wasn’t the right choice for me.”
    Just my two cents.

  8. I am an expecting mommy and already get so many comments on what I should do or shouldn’t do! I am told what I should be eating and shamed for eating things they think I shouldn’t. I’ve had so many comments already about weight gain. I shouldn’t gain too much, but I need to be eating enough. It’s all so sad! Motherhood is such a beautiful thing!

  9. All I can say is – the more kids I have, the less I judge! My third is three months old, and they have all been different babies/toddlers/preschoolers with different little personalities. Every parent/marriage/partnership is different and so is every child! Seriously, do what works for you. There is very little that MUST be done (i.e. children need food and love and not a lot else!)

  10. agree with Ella – It’s been a while since my kids were small, so advice about the little peeps is in my rearview mirror. What people say reflects more upon them, which perhaps made some advice easier to ignore, and I always noted what was revealed to me about that person (for future reference).

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